Emotional abusers

 
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 1:20 am    Post subject: Emotional abusers Reply with quote

On the general topic of tyrrany, abuse, and stuff like that:

I suppose wether someone is being tyrannical or not depends on a persons definition of tyrrany.
There are a few definitions, and one of them is undue severity or harshness.
I don't like slander, especially when used as a tool of tyranny, having lived with an expert at it for years. I find it is a common thing online to come accross people who are happy to go about bashing other people who disagree with them, and if those who disagree point out that they are acting like a tyrant or someone with a God/Messianic complex (and sometimes they fit the description perfectly) or are simply misguided in their habit of spreading vitriol with their words, the one pointing it out is then bashed as being the bad guy and 'judgemental'. Isn't that sort of funny? A recent example is someone I met online who started threatening people with not living through the earth changes if they didn't follow him and such. I told him he had a Messianic complex, and then he threatened to take me to court for defamation! I can't count the times I have come accross such characters. The way they use psychology on others is fascinating (but not as fascinating as making orgonite, thank goodness), and there is alot about it on the net. One page that helped me during a period where I was being called all sorts of cra* by an emotional abuser who I had become attached to is here: http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html Its amazing how easy it is to fall for some of the tricks, which doesn't mean it is always deliberate. I think some people just learn how to shove a guilt trip onto others when they are having a hissy fit, from what they learned as a kid etc. I know thats simplistic, but that's just my way of looking at it .
Sometimes the only way is to just ignore them I suppose, and leave them to their abuseive behaviour, but if everyone just says "I'm allright jack, not my problem", when it comes around to our turn for abuse, we shouldn't be expecting anyone to give a rats a***.

If we cannot even talk about tyranny and abusers in general without being led to feel like bad people, then it's really a 'thought police' situation. Maybe it's good to just have a little rant and then get on with more important stuff, like making orgonite. No doubt one of the tools used to distract us from our efforts is to 'push our buttons' and get us bickering and wasting time on long posts which accomplish nothing worthwhile at the end of the day. There are too many lengthy posts out there to waste our time on as it is, lol. Idea

Rant over. Happy Christmas Laughing

It's not my fault, it's a full moon.

-Julian
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Jayde
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

::applauds Julian::
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c.s.from.ams
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Trust me, most slander is done without the slandered person knowing...
As for the rest i already gave my 2 cents.

Carlos
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too true. When people are bashing others in public, goodness knows what happens behind closed doors.
Being able to have our 2 cents is priceless. Nobody should be afraid to say "BOO" to the goose, as the saying goes.

I have a memory of a former life when I was burned at the stake with another victim of hate and ignorance (the memory is real enough, wether it actually hapenned or not). There was a crowd who just stood there and were willing to watch the spectacle. It makes me wonder, remembering the fear in their eyes, wether many of them were there just so that they could be seen to support the ones rooting out the enemies of the church.
Maybe they believed that by cheering as the flames were lit that they would avoid the paranoid suspicions of their neighbours or peers, any of whom could at any time write their name on a piece of paper and anonymously post it to the 'witch box' located at the local church. All it took was for someone to be called a witch by someone with a grudge. It was foolhardy to be critical of the inquisition in those days.

Anyway...that's one of the reasons I tend to go on extended rants on the topic of tyranny when the topic is raised.

Another reason is that I lived my formative years under the shadow of a tyrannical psycopath who got to be that way through his time in the Gulag camps (not a Nazi sympathiser). He is in spirit now and has expressed the desire that I speak out about tyranny when the issue is raised. So that's what I will do when the topic is raised, and will speak freely and openly concerning the topic of tyranny, or any other type of abusive behaviour because I believe the 'modus operandi' used by controllers and influencers needs to be brought into the light. When they can be recognised for what they are, less people well end up in a funk of disillusionment when they find that the personality they learned to trust and respect turns on them like a rabid dog.

Just for the record, sharing my thoughts about tyranny isn't directed at any one person, because it is what I believe to be true of all tyrants. If any part of what I've written describes anyone in particular to the reader, even if they see themselves in it, then that's for the reader to chew over and come to their own conclusions. I wouldn't want anyone to feel left out, lol. Tyranny is as contagious as the common cold.

-Julian
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness........................

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#2
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c.s.from.ams
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(Ok, now I understand a bit better why you go on writting about it)

Personally, I have from early grown a thick skin and later learned how to confront this emotional abuse when necessary. Some people seem to attract it more than others.

Yes, it is very often very subtle and officially "for our own good". Even though I do believe people are inheretly good it seems years and years of living in the midst of it made it into the norm. Maybe that's why even with so much being officially "uncovered" in the last few years (ex. downing street memo) there are no revolutions to speak of.
In general most people don't trust their polititians but nobody does anything about it. Now what would Plato say about this one?

It is everywhere in society and unfortunately sometimes it starts at home. Growing up with it (in and outside home) forms character and will often beat down the more soft hearted ones, or harden them creating layers and layers of cement and metal that keep hiding the essential, even from the person him / herself. It is an essential part of the human-machine-making factory that is modern western society as far as "their" plans go ("them" being the same who decided to put those ugly towers up).

And the "third-world" has bought into this... dehumanization tool, one might call it.

Soon I hope, it will change for the better.
People are waking up, in bigger numbers than what I believed not long ago. Much bigger numbers... even though they feel it, these people are afraid to step out of the "confortable" madness that is the life presented to them. They are afraid because the world seems to be running on those strings and unable to be sustained without them.
But if they are given the tools or "accidently" bump into them... the light shinning through the door may be too bright to ignore.
Then again, maybe not. Everybody has their own path to make, warrior or otherwise.

Carlos
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for understanding.

Sometimes we all need to have a rant, and let off some steam.

-Julian
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Invalidation:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings...

...Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even they are perfectly mentally healthy....

Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.

None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. The more different from the mass norm a person is, for example, more intelligent or more sensitive, the more he is likely to be invalidated. When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities.

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each persons's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile. A good guideline is:

First accept the feelings, then address the behavior.

......We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual. Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:

We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
We are ignored
We are judged
We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel ....


Defensiveness and Invalidation:

All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repteated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict or puts us in the position of trying to change another person.

One sign of both high self-esteem and high EQ is the absence of either of these defensive responses. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, "I feel invalidated," "I feel mocked," or "I feel judged."

How the other person responds to your emotional honesty will depend upon, and be indicative of:

(a) how much they respect you

(b) how much they care about you and your feelings

(c) how insecure and defensive they are

(d) how much they are trying to change or control you

All of this is information which will help you make decisions which are in your best interest.

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings:

Examples of invalidating expressions. -- Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

"Ordering" You to Feel Differently

Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering you to "look" differently

Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.


Denying Your Perception, Defending

You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you.
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen


Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You

I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You

You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings

You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)


Using Reason

There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....

Debating

I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

Judging & Labeling You

You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.

Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Trying to get you to question yourself

What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?


Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act

You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.

Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.

Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips

Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

Philosophizing Or Clichés

Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.

Talking about you when you can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.


------

Even when we are happy, unhappy people want to ruin it for us by saying diminishing things like: What are you so happy about? That's it? That's all you are so excited about?

There was an expression I heard when I was growing up. It was "Who put a quarter in you?" A quarter is a 25 cent coin in the USA. It was a coin which was once enough to start music in a juke box. So the implication was the person was acting abnormally happy, excited, lively etc.

------

When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.

The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another interesting one:

Developing Emotional Intelligence:

http://eqi.org/summary.htm
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anger

Things to know about anger:
http://eqi.org/anger.htm

Idea
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HaggisYann
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Informative site about bullying:

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm
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