Joined: 22 Mar 2007
Location: Loch Ness
|Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 12:41 am Post subject: Self Pity
|Self pity must be one of the worst types of self inflicted mind control drugs we can become addicted to. It is also used to control others. Being something we can all catch, like a dose of the flu, I thought it would be worth mentioning here, especially as this is the season for it.
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality. -- John W. Gardner
(*Audience participation is in parentheses--notations in brackets have been added for clarification )
[Since we encounter "self pity" not only with people around us, but also in ourselves, this transcription can be very enlightening and of great value……Marsha]
Pity is one of the most common things that people come talk to us about. The person is feeling very very "sorry for themselves". They will never use the words that they are "sorry for themselves. They will use words like depressed, "I'm very depressed", and that they've given up hope--they can't see any way out.
If at any time they get any inkling that you will agree with this……..in other words if they can sell you on "feeling sorry for them", you can no longer work with the person. Seemingly you can never recover your objective state anymore-you just lost it; and then only someone else can work with them. "Pity", once "one has it" is equated to-"you love me". And it gets all out of hand long about that time.
What they're really calling for is from the early childhood. When a woman has about 5 kids running around, under her feet; and as long as they are behaving fairly well, she sure lets them alone. She operates on the principle, "Let sleeping dogs lie." But if one of them gets hurt, she picks it up--cuddles it--kisses it's bumps--makes it all well, and sends the child on it's way. Consequently, in most people's minds, love is equated with pity. "If you will pity me, you love me" because really that's about all they had when they were kids. Consequently, they are constantly searching for pity; and they tell you some very pitiful stories. . If you "buy" into their "pity"--goodbye to that person because there's no use trying to work with them anymore. All they will do is hound you for more pity.
If you won't give any, you may get them up to where they can look at the thing for themselves; but, meanwhile, they are searching and clinging. When somebody tells you they are depressed, they're saying, "I'm feeling sorry for myself." When they say, "I'm completely worn out when I get up-I'm worn out when I go to bed"--it's pity they're hollering.
"Self-pity" is possibly the most dangerous luxury that anybody ever deals in.
(It's hard to educate yourself once you get in that mood.)
You like that one, don't you?
(I don't like it at all.)
Did you ever get in it?
(I've avoided that like the plague.)
And it's a good one to avoid--no matter what--no matter how; and this is one of the major things people will bring into you as the major symptom-depression.
(You'll get it too, when you invite someone to tell they're story…….)
………and you'd better listen to gobs of self-pity. You're going to hear a "roll of it" because they have been mistreated since the day they were born. "Everybody else has had it nice but I've had a mess." "I don't know why."
And that's where we can use that little story we know.
They say, "I just don't know why it has always been so bad for me."
And so I say, "Well, you know probably it's like that little story I heard." There was a man going down the street; and he was moaning like you and said, "Oh why did everything always go so bad for me." And there was a voice came out of heaven and it said, "Well, Joe, I don't know, but there's just something about you that just seems to bug me."
(laughter from the audience.)
That breaks it up right quick. Think that's maybe the way it might be?
Anyway, it will get them thinking a little bit.
(What's another way of handling it.)
I usually stop him in the middle of it and say, "Shall we call the governor and have him proclaim a feel sorry for you week; and then everybody in the state can help next week on this thing." And then we'll really get you felt down to the pity you really deserve. And they say, "You're a mean old man."
With feeling, you can say, "Well here, it looks to me like you can't do this up well enough; so I'm going to call the governor and have him issue proclamations that starting Tuesday everybody in the state feel sorry for you". And then maybe we can get it done, you suppose? We have a "feel sorry house of simpatico" for your use. You climb a very steep mountain and sittin' up on top is a little six-sided gazebo; and anybody, that wants to "feel sorry for themselves", must go up there and sit where everybody can watch them while they "feel sorry" for themselves. So that's the "feel sorry for" house.
If somebody "worries real bad" you can send them up there too; and let them sit while everybody watches them "worry". You know it helps to be watched while you're doing these things.
So there are all sorts of little things you can do; but what you basically do is that you bring to the attention of the person--in no uncertain terms--that you are not "buying" the action [playing the "victim" role] that they're trying to sell you.
(What is the self-pity a symptom of? Where do you go from there?)
Self-pity is resisting living, and Life comes along and says, "You have some experiences", and the person says, "I don't want to listen, so I'm going to bellow and cry over it instead of getting up and experiencing it.
And we sometimes use a little story that Life is a great schoolroom; and that they give you classes here; and when you get through the first grade, you're promoted but not until. So if you resist going through the first grade class for 25 years, why you still stay at the first grade. It's not like the public school system that sends you on through because of age. This one you don't pass. So if you are not free to experience this particular challenge, it will stay in front of you as long as you live or until you are free to experience it.
Once you freely experience this challenge, then you can move on and you'll never really have it anymore………….but there will be another one, and you'll see how you get along. So you go on to second grade and so forth. And sometimes you'll get people to really experiment with that and be really free to experience whatever it is they are "carrying on so" about-It's usually not having "their way" or somebody didn't get pleased when one wanted them pleased. They tried so hard-you know--worked their fingers to the bone over a hot stove for years, and he don't give me any appreciation. And as soon as they are really free to do something without expecting appreciation, we'll say, they don't have a problem anymore. People seem to appreciate.
(With the four dual basic urges, self-pity could be involved with all of them.)
Oh yeah, any of them that you're not getting, or escaping-a little pain and woe woe is "poor me". So it is the urge to get somebody to pick me up and "hold me in their arms"; or to escape into a non-world where there are no disturbances.
(Where could that be?)
Drugs, or with toxicity (like with fever) -sure they feel depressed; but that's always an acute condition. Chronically depressed is "self-pity", and it's much more severe then with toxicity. A person with chills and fever will feel depressed for a few minutes, but not near to the depth of the person who indulges in the "self-pity" bit. The side effect of several drugs is to produce a feeling of depression; and certain toxicity conditions create depression, but these are short-lived and over with in a little while. When it's chronic depressed, you're talking to "self-pity"-day in, day out. Course now, the person says, "I never feel sorry for myself, I don't expect anything". But then they say, "Woe woe, poor me, I can't even expect anything". So they can't open their mouth that they're not crying for "self-pity".
(That's one of those LP's)
That's one of those long play-and it plays every week and every month and every year, huh? Right on down the line.
(They say, it wouldn't have been so bad had they only married somebody else.)
Oh yes, and that they had a chance to. Then they would have had it like a "bed of rose pedals". And also, if they had just been born to somebody else because quite frequently one of their horrible expressions of agony is, "I don't see why I was ever born."
(That's like that……..couldn't hear response. Is there any way to keep from being born.)
(Isn't that Newton's law………)
Yes, that's Newton's second law of thermodynamics. Wherever there's and action there's an equal reaction.
(Isn't that stating exactly what the law of balance is?)
Yes, but the whole point is, you can originate an action. You see mechanics and living beings are not quite the same. A machine cannot originate a motion. A human being is in a different category because he can originate a motion resulting in a response to motions coming in from conditioned beings. In that case, an unconditioned being doesn't fit the law of physics. A human being that is in control of his unconscious, (in other words he's made his unconscious, conscious) can originate a motion and other things. It says for every action there is an equal reaction, but the conscious person can destroy an incoming motion and that is an equal amount of it, is it not? So you still got out of the law, but you also have to take a considerable different look at it when talking about living beings in the real world as opposed to the manmade or the mechanical world.
(Does destroying motion take energy?)
It definitely takes energy-same amount to destroy it.
(Can you get tired from destroying energy.)
Yeah, if you have someone calling you dirty names all day and you're destroying their motion and originating something else. Maybe you don't want to originate, you just want to destroy it. You'll find you'll become depleted in your energy level until you can rest.
(Like if you were in a prison and someone was always putting it on you all the time……)
…….and you were destroying the motion. Yes, you'll get worn out. You'll also get worn out if somebody comes up and throws static at you.
(Wouldn't you gain strength in destroying and originating a new motion you've chosen just like when you exercise?)
Yes, but when you first start out, you're pretty tired. After while, you got more energy available for that; but the balance will be maintained.
(What technique or what approach or what methodology do you use to chase down these "whys" and turn them off.)
Well, you just see that they're unanswerable questions. Once the mind recognizes they're unanswerable, we quit fiddling with them. It's when one keeps repeating them-again and again. Haven't you ever watched a little girl. They're always repeating them' and the "whys" keep being reinforced. It comes to the surface, "Do you think this is right?" The person just shoves the "why's" back in there, and here they come again. You can hear it--they're very active.
So we address the "self-pity", not the person, but the "self-pity" apart from the person-you might say we lay it out slightly slanting it so it looks almost comical. That begins to get us off of it. One needs a certain sense of humor; and be fully prepared to get slapped while you're doing it. People take great pride in their "pity". Nevertheless if you can ride it pretty hard and lay out the "pity party" in a different light, then the person gets off of it.
Another thing you can do is say, "Let's turn that off". Turn the "pity" bit off. It's not going to get you anywhere. Mama picked you up and kissed your bumps when you were two-years old, but you're not two-years old now. Now let's talk about what you can do about the situation instead of all these "why did this happen" and all this stuff. The past is not here, that's gone. Here it is right here and right now-What can we do about it.
If the house is afire, there's no use screaming, "How come it caught fire?" You can sit and philosophy about that-but the thing is what can we do to put the flames out-and what can we do to bring about a better state of affairs instead of sitting here feeling sorry because something happened to you way back down the road. You can usually get to it.
You see, people who indulge in "self-pity" get addicted to it, and they like the hormones that the body produces-so a person can very easily get addicted to "self-pity". We call it addiction. Once one sees one is "addicted to it" and "in bondage to it", they don't want to do that anymore. So they can begin to work out of it.
Excerpt from - http://www.marshasummers.com/innerman/selfpity.htm